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This is almost a public service message. Seriously. 

 

Nothing that starts out being described as ‘after inheriting a house from the family she never knew. . .’ is ever going to end well. That’s a given. Not surprisingly, neither did this movie. My first reaction when the movie ended was ‘I’m so glad that’s finally over’, followed by ‘I want that hour and a half of my life back.’

 

The movie really was awful. It seemed like it really wanted to be a good movie, but there were just too many things against it from the start. 

 

First, the look of the film. Despite it being made in 2013, the film had a weird look, almost as if it was shot partly on film, by which I mean film from the 70’s, or digitally, depending on which scene you were watching at the time. Maybe they were looking for an effect, but the only effect was. . .bad. Many scenes looked out of focus and the whole thing had a surreal feeling, like you were seriously watching a film from the 70’s. 

 

Second, the characters. There’s the almost obligatory cast from the corral of stock, low-budget movie characters. The ‘heroine’ who is never sympathetic, has about four real settings; forlorn, clueless, lost, and slightly drunk. Then, there’s her ex-boyfriend, who is still her ‘friend’, and of course he has love issues, and isn’t quite over her yet.  He is bland and boring. Next up we have the girl who really, really wants to come off as cute and quirky, but who actually comes across as a bad impression of “Willow” from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and an overly cheery, and uber-annoying hipster who really just seems to have wandered onto the wrong movie set. Then there’s the the hipster girl’s best friend, an Adam Scott wannabe who is so obviously in love with her that everyone except her, naturally, can see it. And last, but not least, is the mandatory, ever present ‘creepy, mysterious, stranger’ that the heroine bonds with instantly. 

 

The relationships between all these characters is handled so very poorly. That situation is not helped by the fact that all of them are so unlikable that you really just don’t care what happens to any of them. 

 

Then there’s the ‘dialogue’. Or lack thereof. It’s painful, so very painful to listen to them. The lines are delivered with an awful, stilted superficiality that will make you groan in misery with every delivery. No one speaks like that in real life. There’s simply no rhyme or reason for the dumb things they say (or do). Often there’s no real,logical progression between one line and the next, as if they’re all reading lines from different plays. 

 

And let’s not forget the plot. To call it bad is a compliment. I mean ‘ugh’. Hackneyed, cliched, and clunky even at the best of times. It went for a mysterious feel with small looks at the past that peppered the movie but which did nothing to bring the plot forward, or to resolve it. Just extras for your viewing pleasure. (yes, that’s sarcasm).

 

The ‘actors’ are continually over or under reacting to every ridiculous  circumstance they find themselves in. There’s never a sense of urgency about any of the events taking place, which they never in any way react to or acknowledge as having any effect on them. They just clumsily move through a haze of stupidity and incompetence. 

 

In short, this movie is awful. Painful to watch. You’ll be more entertained by ‘Sharknado’, and at least you can laugh at that one. It’s that bad. So save that ninety minutes of life for something you’ll enjoy more. 

 

Like a root canal.

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